Walter's Vacation
by Candra de Innocentia
Summary: I started this in Holidays at Hellsing, but I decided to splice them. This is now it's own story, and nothing has been changed. Walter leaves the mansion for a week, during which Alucard must take his place. What chaos shall erupt? the fun kind!
1. Walter's Vacation:DAY ONE

**pretty easy to come up with, but I dedicate this whole portion to Matoska, who prompted me to make all things in the Hellsing home go to hell, Thank You :)**

**Walter's Vacation (Day One)**

Walter stood at the gates of the Hellsing mansion, a bowler hat on his head and a coat covering his usually butler-esque attire. The driver was loading his bags into the trunk of the car, and he was just saying his farewells to Integra.

"I'm sure you'll all be fine without me," he assured her. "Just don't let Alucard near the blender...or the microwave...again."

Integra scoffed and replied, "I'm not likely to make that mistake again, Walter. To this day the neighbors still keep their cats indoors, have you noticed that?"

"Actually, I have, Sir Integra. Poor things."

The trunk of the car slammed shut and the driver came up behind Walter, saying, "We're all ready to go then." The rather portly man touched his cap to Sir Integra, then he went around the front of the vehicle, followed by Walter, who took the passenger seat. Rolling down his window, he called out, "I'll be back in a week, and you know the hotel's number if you need me. Just give me a call, any time. Goodbye, Sir Integra." And the car sped away, rustling the dew-laden grass.

Integra stood there until the car turned a corner and vanished, then she dug a cigar out of her pocket and quickly lit it. Wow, he'd been gone for a whole minute and she was already stressing out. Brilliant. She released several breaths from which tendrils of silver smoke poured out, then she dropped her cigar and snuffed it out with the heel of her shoe. She ground it into the walkway for another thirty seconds, lost in thought, then she abruptly turned and walked briskly back to the mansion.

Much as Walter had tried to reassure her, Integra was a smart woman, and she knew that within the next four hours, this whole place was going to Hell.

She had _NO _idea. (A/N, because the author is evil, MUWAHAHA!)

--

"Alucard!"

_Thud_.

"Dammit..."

Alucard pushed the lid of his coffin up, resisting the urge to claw at the beautiful black wood. The lid of his coffin was really starting to piss him off, but he knew that if he got it removed, he would regret it sooner or later. He gracefully climbed out of it and sunk through the floor of his chamber, somehow coming up headfirst through the floor of his Master's office.

Integra looked ticked, to say the least. Her right hand was pushed into her pale golden hair, making it appear frizzy and disheveled. Her left hand was alternating fiddling with a pen and tapping her desk with a forefinger. Alucard noticed that his Master looked very tired, as if she were just coming off a caffeine rush. But she didn't drink coffee, and she despised soda pop, so what could be wrong? He waited patiently for the answer, adjusting his blood red fedora so that the sun did not fall on his smirking face.

Integra looked at him wearily, then made a stronger face and said, "Alucard, Walter has gone for a vacation."

He looked at her with narrowed crimson eyes, "And what does this have to do with me? My Master." he added respectfully.

She almost seemed to snort with some kind of sick amusement before answering, "You're going to be replacing him for the week."

He gaped at her, but there was more.

"You'll take care of all his duties, enlisting your police-girl as you see fit. This means you'll be doing the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the dishes, and anything else I can come up with. Is that clear, Servant?"

Alucard managed to put a smirk back on his face as he dipped his head and replied, "Yes Master. And when do you expect me to sleep?" he added dryly.

"Sleep on your own time," she snapped through her cigar, "Now fetch me my tea. Get on with it!"

"Yes Master..." He replied sullenly, sinking through the floor. Wasn't _this_ going to be fun? And he got to do it for a whole week too! Lucky him...(A/N, sarcasm)

--

Alucard was born in the thirteen hundreds, he knew how to make tea. What he _did not_ know, was how to use an electric stove.

He tried to do it as he'd seen Walter do, turning the knob for the right burner and setting the kettle down on it. He turned the burner on high, and in no time, the kettle was singing. He took it off the hot burner and set about pouring the tea and adding such and such(A/N, I've no idea what goes into tea besides tea, milk, or sugar). When he was finished, he placed the tea on a tray, and debated whether to bring napkins. Humans were such fastidious creatures, but the biscuits didn't look particularly messy. He set the napkins on the stove, wondering. Then he decided better safe than sorry and grabbed the top two off the stack, walking through the fridge and the nearest wall up to Integra's office, leaving the paper napkins on the burner still turned on high.

When he returned, Alucard was very pleased with himself. His Master had like the tea.

When he returned, Alucard was very surprised at what he found. The stove was on fire.

He hurried toward the flames, using his vampiric power to extinguish them. Seras Victoria, walking around in daylight _again_, saw what was going on and panicked. She seized the fire extinguisher by the door and burst in, crying shrilly, "Fire! Okay, nobody panic! Look out Master!"

But it was too late, she'd opened the nozzle, and cold white foam shot out. I coated everything in a thick white residue, including Alucard, who turned from the stove, his front side clean of foam. "Police girl..." he snarled, his eyes smoldering with blood light.

Seras squeaked and hid the fire extinguisher behind her back, looking sheepishly up at him. He thrust out a hand and commanded, "Give it here." With a look like a dog who's been found scattering the rubbish bin, Seras handed over the red canister and stood there with her pale red eyes downcast.

"What is this thing?" Alucard asked, turning it every which way, reading the minute print on the lable on the side.

"It's a fire-extinguisher, Master. It puts out fires-"

"I put that together from the words 'fire extinguisher', police girl. Get out of my sight, you idiot." He snapped. After his fledgling disappeared out the kitchen door, Alucard resumed examining the canister. There was a nozzle on the end, shaped like a bullhorn. Was that where the foam came out? He looked into it and absent-mindedly squeezed the trigger. White foam spurted into his face, making him cough and splutter as it filled his mouth and nose. It tasted awful!

He stumbled forward, dropped the canister on his foot, slipped on the foam coating the floor, and fell backwards. His flailing arms stretched out to grab something to catch himself, and what his right hand found was the handle of the pot of boiled water. He grabbed it and it flew into the air, pouring scalding hot water all over his foamy face. It also got all over the stove, and unfortunately, water and electric appliances don't mix. The electric current flowed through the water to the Alucard that was heaving himself to his feet, and he found somewhere around 240 volts of electricity coursing through his undead body.

It didn't hurt, and Alucard actually made a mental note to get electricuted again. It tingled.

--

Alrighty, this is Day one of Alucard being Walter. Walter will only be appearing in the last bit of this, so leave him alone, he's on vacation. I need more ideas for chores for Alucard, and what could go wrong? (Actually, now I just need what could go wrong while Alucard cleans the toilet)

Oh, and if you ever see the name 'mint leafs' on a review, that's me :)

YAY BRITS! YOUR ACCENTS ARE SO COOL!

Oh, and the last words of the last Walter's Vacation bit shall be as follows:

_He hauled his bags through the door, and shut it behind him with a resounding thud. No one was there to greet him, until Integra appeared at the top of the grand staircase. She hurried down and managed a smile, "Walter! It's good to have you home again!"_

_He took off his hat and replied, "Frankly, Sir, it's good to be back."_

_"So how was it?" They said at the same time. They exchanged the same bitter laughs and again chorused, "It was Hell."_

_The two of them looked at each other for a minute, then they both cracks smiles and briefly embraced. Integra looked so relieved to have him back that Walter wondered whether he should mention the _(it's a surprise) _just outside the door. Her blue eyes were glittering as she told him what had happened in the past week, and he decided, 'Perhaps it's best if she didn't know.'_

(trace of catastrophe here, but its a surprise)

Yea, so there's your spoiler thingy.

PS: go to youtube and type in 'Vampires of the Caribbean', its a video by PYTEEMEE. Watch it, love it, favorite it, then put it on your playlist and watch it again


	2. Walter's Vacation:DAY TWO

**Matoska, I'm sorry you have to read this. It's disturbing, and it's all your fault. LOL**

**Walter's Vacation (Day Two)**

Alucard stalked through the wall, his face and hat hidden by the enormous load of laundry he held in his arms. Said load of laundry was unceremoniously dropped on the floor, and glared at mutinously by an extremely PO'd vampire.

"'Do the laundry,' she says. 'Don't forget to seperate the darks and the lights,' she says. Do your own damn laundry, I say!" he snarled to himself, suddenly kicking the pile so that it scattered all over. His anger vanished as a bra draped itself across his fedora, and he snatched it up, roughly stuffing it into a washer machine.

--

**Several Minutes Later**

Alucard was very proud of himself. He'd done better than sorting the darks from the lights. He'd sorted out the socks from the shirts from the underpants from the trousers from everything else. It took up six washer machines in all.

He looked around for the powder Walter usually put into the loads, and when he found it, he didn't bother to read the directions. The vampire walked up and down the row of six washers, the box tipping its violet contents into their gaping maws. When he was finished, he looked for the bleach. This he'd seen Walter pour into the cap then the washer, which he did too.

Blue goop on the white pants and red shorts. Blue stuff on the white sock, the red sock, and the green socks. And he made sure to get the nasty-smelling gunk all over Integra's white shirt, which lay next to Seras's pink blouse. He had to make sure his Master's clothes got extra clean.

Then he slammed all the lids down in a single motion, using his vampiric powers, and started them all on high just to be safe. If they weren't clean then, then he'd put them through the wash again.

Alucard was just about to walk out of there when one of the washers gave a shudder and started to leak soap. He looked at it and went over. Bubbles were spurting all over the place! He could see that there were too many pants in there, and that one pair was sticking halfway out. He took the sticking out pair from the washer, ignoring the shuddering _RRRRIP _and opening the machine again. Alucard stuffed the jeans in as far as they would go, then mashed all the other trousers down as well.

Poor Alucard. He slipped on some of the soap that had seeped onto the floor, and plunged headfirst into the washer machine. The rocking motion of his falling slammed the lid shut, and after a moment, it automatically started. Poor, poor Alucard.

Well, not really. He was having a grand old time, especially when the spin-cycle kicked in. He made sure to keep the bubbles and bleach out of his face with his powers, and enjoyed the ride. He was going to have to shove Walter in here sometime, the old human was sure to perk up after a go in this thing! Alucard couldn't help but laugh as he was twirled round and around, not caring that several of his bones broke, including his neck and his lower spine once. He repaired them all and swirled around in the bubbly darkness.

But eventually, the washer sounded a harsh buzzer and the ride stopped. Reluctantly, Alucard climbed out of the washer and yawned, brushing soap and water off him with his shadows. That was enough fun for today. Time to go to sleep before Integra came up with anything else for him to do.

He looked at the machines. Damn, he still had to put the clothes in the dryer.

Alucard opened the lid of a dryer and went to the nearest washer, taking all the sopping wet clothes and stuffing them in. He repeated this process until a small mountain of clothing was jutting out of the poor dryer's mouth, and Alucard was forced to squish them all in. The machine complained, groaning loudly under the strain, but he still got the clothes in. Well, almost.

The stupid lid of the dryer wouldn't shut! No matter how many times he tried slamming it down! With a snarl, the vampire launched himself at the poor machine and came down with his boots on top of the lid. It finally creaked shut and the egotistical creature was proud of himself all over again. He squatted and pressed a few random buttons until the dryer started, then he sat down on the lid with a satisfied grunt. This is when he discovered another fun thing to do while doing laundry. Ride the dryer machine.

The white box was rocking violently back and forth, desperately trying to shift its load so that it dried evenly. The large vampire sitting on top of it playing rodeo wasn't helping.

--

It's not my fault that I got a mental image of Alucard playing around in the laundry! Blame my friend, it's her fault my sense of humor is this way! lol, Walter shall have to watch his back whilst doing the laundry, lest Alucard shove him in. Poor Walter.

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	3. Walter's Vacation:DAY THREE

**Dedicated to Alucard's Vampiress, for prompting me to give Alucard a machine that sucks up everything in its path, and explodes quite easily, Thank You :)**

**Walter's Vacation (Day Three)**

Alucard sulked as he walked over to the hall closet. Integra, who had been wearing her newly pink shirt, had yelled and thrown her silver ashtray at him for messing up the laundry. He'd tried to explain, but when she got like that, there was no stopping her. He gritted his teeth, it wasn't _his_ fault his coat had turned all the pants pink. It wasn't his fault, either, that everyone was going around wearing disgusting-colored brown socks either. How was _he_ supposed to know that bleach makes colors run?!

So this time, he was enlisting the help of Seras Victoria to help him with his latest chore: Vacuuming.

It seemed simple enough, he'd seen Walter do it many times. You just take the big ugly machine, roll it over the floor, and the mess is gone! The things humans come up with these days!

"Okay, Master," Seras said, squatting beside the vacuum, "You take this cord," she held it up, "And plug it in over there."

"I _know_ what to do, police girl!" he snapped, snatching the cord and stalking over to the wall indicated. Having a silver ashtray strike your temple for the seventy-sixth time in ten years does not make for a happy vampire.

Upon approaching the wall outlet, Alucard remembered his mishap in the kitchen, and quickly removed his right glove, hunkering down so that Seras couldn't see what he was doing.

"Master, do you have it plugged in yet?"

"Almost, now quit pestering me!"

He stuck his long, pale index finger in his mouth, covering it in saliva, and neared the finger to the outlet. When he touched it, nothing seemed to happen, but then there was a blue and orange spark, and he was having the time of his un-life. It seems electrocution is funner when taken directly from the wall, at least in Alucard's opinion. His whole body convulsed and shone with an eerie blue light. He couldn't help but laugh, and Seras turned around to see what was going on. Her pale red eyes widened, "Oh my God! Master!"

Alucard was starting to burst into flame in some spots. That wasn't fun, but since he wasn't completely on fire, he didn't care. Seras ran over to the kitchen door, snatching up the fire-extinguisher that had been replaced just yesterday. "Master, stay still!" she cried, and opened the nozzle.

For the second time in three days, Alucard found himself covered in cold white foam. He rounded on his fledgling, his face contorted in a snarl as he brought his finger away from the burned-out wall outlet.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" he demanded.

Seras cowered, this time holding the canister as a shield in front of her, and replied, "I...I thought you...were burning...I'm sorry, Master, I didn't-"

"OUT! NOW! YOU _IDIOT_!!"

Seras did the smart thing and ran, although she did a not-so-smart-thing and dropped the canister on Alucard's foot. He would exact his revenge on her later. Alucard realized that now he didn't have anyone to show him how to work a vacuum cleaner, but he figured he could do it on his own if he read the directions this time.

--

**Half An Hour Later**

Alucard threw down the little booklet with a curse, screw the directions! They were impossible! Seizing the plug of the vacuum, he yanked it over to the nearest wall outlet (that wasn't burnt to a crisp) and stuffed it in. Then he stomped back over to the machine, pulled the handle back, and rolled it over the floor. Nothing was happening.

Alucard glared at the vacuum. It was supposed to be making loud noise and sucking up dirt, but it was just sitting there! He'd plugged it in and everything, what was wrong?! Then he saw the switch on top that said ON/OFF. He flipped this switch and the vacuum roared to life. He made a smug grin, easy as pie.

Alucard rolled the vacuum's head over the big decorative rug in the entrance hall, making sure to get any bit of lint or dirt his vampiric eyesight caught. When he came to the edge of the rug, the tassels became a bit of a problem. He rolled the vacuum over them, moving toward the mess from the fire-extinguisher, but the tassels got sucked in and the vacuum wouldn't let them go! He pushed the vacuum with all his vampiric might, which seemed to be overdoing it a bit because the machine and him toppled forward. Alucard's head left a noticeable dent in the wall. He covered this with a coat rack he'd draped a blanket over. Nobody would ever notice.

He started toward the mess from the fire-extinguisher, a few ripped tassels trailing forlornly behind the vacuum cleaner, but then he remembered how electric stuff and wet stuff don't mix too well. Not that he didn't want to be electrocuted again, but he knew his Master would be pissed if he broke another one of her appliances. (A/N, do vacuums count as an appliance?)

So he moved up the stairs, hoisting the vacum up over his shoulder. When the cord jerked short, he was forced to put the vacum down, unplug the cord, and run back over. He then proceded to pick up the vacum, trip over the cord, and fall backwards down the stairs, cracking his skull open.

Growling curses to himself, Alucard heaved himself to his feet and snatched up the vacuum, carrying it like an angry parent carries their naughty child under their arm.

His spirits brightened several minutes later when he vacuumed up an unwary mouse. It zoomed into the bag with a terrified squeak, and Alucard snickered.

--

Integra was gnawing on a cigar, tapping her pen against the desktop. Why in the _hell_ was _she_ supposed to care about a cow with an extra leg growing out of its back?!

_We're afraid it may be some kind of mutant gene,_ the paper explained, _perhaps a testing of the FREAK chip on animals that's gone awry. We need you to get rid of the animal, Sir Integra, efficiently, and most of all Quietly._

So this is what it's come to? Integra thought bitterly. Sending her after mutant cows?

At that moment, Alucard burst in with the vacuum cleaner, having just found another plug outside the office. He zoomed around, trying to show off and show his Master that he really was a good replacement Walter. Integra glared at him before turning back to her paper with a reply. She was just thinking how nice _You ruddy gits, are you stark-raving daft? Sending Hellsing after a bloody cow?! How dare you imbeciles think to use my organization like this!_ sounded as a reply to the Council's order, when there was a freezing wind and a bunch of papers whirled off her desk.

"Alucard, what the bloody hell are you doing?!"

Alucard was out on the balcony, using his shadows to lift up a pot filled with wilted flowers so he could vacuum under it.

"I'm following your orders, Master. Vacuuming."

Integra took a long drag off her cigar, then tapped the ash into her silver tray and stuck it back in her mouth. It was autumn, it was freezing!

"Servant, shut the damn door this instant!"

"Yes Master," Alucard replied silkily. He'd already finished the balcony anyway. So Integra had to put up with the whir of the vacuum cleaner, run by an insane vampire, whilst replying to a request for her to put down a mutant cow. Now that's not something you hear everyday.

She looked around her desk for the request, and saw it on the floor where it had been blown into the middle of the room. The vacuum cleaner was headed straight toward it. Integra leaped to her feet with a cry, "Alucard, stop!"

Alucard did stop, immediately. Right on top of the paper. It fluttered, trying to free itself from the vacuum for several moments before being sucked up. Poor paper.

Alucard looked at his bristling Master and said, "Don't worry, I'll get it."

He pressed the OFF switch and stuck his hand through the back using his power. He dug around for a minute or so before withdrawing a filthy gloved hand and saying, "I think I need to open the bag to retrieve it, Master."

But the vampire had no idea how to open the vacuum cleaner bag. So he resorted to his favorite technique. Violence.

He flipped the vacum over onto its side and jumped on the bag, trying to make the paper come back out the front. It didn't.

_WHUMPH_

--

The little brown mouse opened its black dew-drop eyes, flicking dirt and dust from its ears. It couldn't throw up, which was good because if it could, it would be ralphing all over the place. Everything in the room was spinning, and the rodent took time to cough and splutter weakly, expelling a fine amount of lint. It wiped a dirty paw across its face and whiskers, and looked around. The big roaring thing that had eaten it was sitting on the other side of the room; it looked dead.

The mouse sat in silence for a while, trying to wait until the world stopped spinning enough for it to get out of here. For a mouse, the little creature was smart. It knew that one of the stranger occupants of this house would barely hesitate to squash it under his boot, while the other would either scream and run, or cuddle it. It liked that one the best, because she kept stuffed animals in her room. It made its nest in one of those stuffed animals, in the belly of a big purple hippo. Not that it knew what a hippo was.

Its family (a she-mouse and six baby mice) was probably worried sick about it! The mouse crept toward the door, scoring a fine trail in the dust that covered the entire room in a disgusting dirty blanket. Even for a rodent, this was just too filthy. The mouse froze as it saw something moving. A lump of dust and dirt was rising! Oh no, it was the squasher person! The mouse cowered in the dust, hoping its filthy coat would hide it. The squasher stood, his usually red garments made brown. Another dust-person was still standing behind the desk, her icy blue eyes filled with rage behind her glasses. A single dusty paper landed on her desk (it was the cow request) and the mouse scampered for the door while the attention of the two people weren't on it.

As soon as it left, there was a loud curse, a spluttering reply, and what it recognized as the sound of the woman's silver ashtray colliding with the squasher's head. She seemed very fond of throwing it at him.

The mouse scurried through the halls toward the basement, back to its mouse-home in the belly of Seras's Mister Hippo.

--

okay, I'm a little iffy about the mouse's POV bit, bit I hope you liked it. I really had to torture Seras via her stuffed animals. I just find it funny. Oh, and don't snort Pixi-Stix, whatever you do. My sister tried it yesterday, and it was hilarious! But not for her.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF WE COULD GET TAN BY DRINKING ORANGE JUICE?!

And that will be all. I have all Alucard's other chores sorted out (thanks to Matoska again) so just chill. Well, actually, I need an idea of how Alucard can get the toilet to explode whilst cleaning it. Or something to that effect.

Chapter after the next: Alucard cleans the toilet!

Chapter after that: Remember what Walter said concerning the microwave and the neighbor's cats?

Chapter after that: Walter comes home and discovers what Alucard does when the microwave gets him in trouble

**post-script, **Has anyone read Vampire Diaries? (I dont own it) (dont own hellsing either) Well, you should. It includes smexy vampires (not as smexy as Alucard) jealous rages, supernatural secrets, and a little white kitten is the cause of it all.

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	4. Walter's Vacation:DAY FOUR

**I dedicate this bit to Matoska. You're very creative, and I'm not sure if I'm doing your ideas justice. You'll love the chapter after Alucard cleans the toilet though! Unless you're a cat-fan. Then you should shield your eyes.**

**Walter's Vacation (Day Four)**

Alucard tried to pick up the spoon, but as soon as he touched it, his flesh sizzled, making a sound like water on a hot stove. With a curse, he dropped the utensil and tried a fork. The result was the same. After glaring daggers at the box of silverware for several minutes, flexing his hand even though it had already healed, Alucard called out, "Police girl!" and in no time, Seras Victoria was there.

"Yes Master?" She said, skidding to a halt. Alucard thrust the box of silver at her and said, "Sir Integra wants you to polish these. And the candle brackets. And that picture frame in the study."

Seras held the box, wondering if this was her Master's idea of some sick joke. In a way it was, but he really just didn't want to do this. He hated Walter so much right now, and if he had to touch another piece of silverware, he was going to explode. Perhaps literally if it got him angry enough.

Not daring to disobey him, Seras took the box and muttered, "Y...yes Master..."

Alucard stalked out of the formal dining room, taking the short-cut through the wall. He noticed that Sir Integra was standing at the top of the stairs, hands on her hips, looking annoyingly smug with that stinking cancer stick clamped in her teeth. He glared up at her and sneered, "Police Girl is managing it."

His Master opened her mouth to say something, but he was already stomping irritably down the hallway that would eventually lead him to the entrance to the dungeons. He wanted to stomp around for a bit, that was why he was taking the long way. He literally put his foot through a stone wall when his vampiric hearing caught the tiniest whisper of laughter coming from Sir Integra.

Alucard was going to his coffin. He was going to give himself wonderful dreams of ripping Walter into little bitty pieces.

--

Seras Victoria looked helplessly at the box of silverware, even her _hair _was drooping. She'd touched silver before. She'd been stabbed through the back numerous times with blessed silver blades. Silver was bad. Silver wasn't fun to touch.

A thought suddenly struck the draculina, "Pip!" she cried.

"Hm?"

Speaking of the perverted Frenchman; for whatever reason, he was walking around the Hellsing mansion humming 'The Girl From Ipanema' very loudly and slightly out-of-tune.

Seras narrowed her pale red eyes and smiled at the Captain in a coy manner. Usually she was a rather timid girl, but Seras Victoria was not above the occasional flirting to get what she wanted.

"Oh Pi-ip..." she called to him, batting her eyelids. Pip quickly turned to face her, the cigarette between his lips almost falling as he saw the way the vampiress was looking at him. His surprise quickly turned into a cocky grin.

--

"I don't get it, Cap!" one of the Wild Geese complained, "Why're we doing this again?"

"Because!" Pip cried impatiently, "Zeraz told me she'd...ah..._reward _me eef I helped 'er out."

"What's in it for us?!" Gene replied, drawing himself up indignantly as he polished a candle-bracket.

Pip lowered his voice, looking around shiftily with his one eye, immediately peeking his men's interest. "Vell," he said, "Zeraz said she _may_just get us into zee mansion again. And I steel have zee number of zat girl from Zeraz's birthday party. Zey were treeplets!"

Another man replied gruffly as he held a couple of forks up to the light to watch them shine, "Only three? I don't mind sharing, but that's spreading it a bit thin, don't you think, Cap?"

"I vas planning on letting zee hardest workers pick zeir two girls. Zey shall have zem all to zeirselves."

The Wild Geese looked incredulously at their leader, and when they verified that he wasn't joking, they all skidded across the table toward the box of silverwear, shoving and cursing to get the next bit of silver.

Pip leaned back in his chair and grinned, taking a drag off his cigarette. Now that that was settled, all he had to do was sit back and watch as his men did all the work, and Seras Victoria would meet him at that motel in Cheshunt. The thought made him shiver pleasantly.

--

Okay, that's the official end of this chapter. Sorry it took so long for this dinky little thing, but remember that place with no Internet that I told you all about? I'm there. Erm...here. At that place. Yes. Anyway, they just all of a sudden decided to get wireless, so here I am. Squee!

Anyway, I just got this mental image, so here's a little extra thingy. Pip fans should look away. Possibly.

_The night was cool, and there was a salty tang in the air that hinted at rain. Pip was totally fine with that. He liked the rain. Though he hoped it wasn't a storm. All that thunder and lightning and crashing about tended to ruin his focus...on the task at hand. He sat in the car, drumming with his hands on the steering wheel. Seras had insisted that _she_ meet_ him_ here, but she was already a quarter of an hour late. Pip shrugged it off and lit a cigarette, rolling his window down a bit so that the smoke could escape. She was probably just fussing over her hair or her clothing or something like that. Though he had no idea why. Within moments of entering their room, her clothes would be off anyway. _

_'Bout an Hour Later_

_Pip leaned over the steering wheel, peering through the rain-streaked windshield. Nothing. Even the streetlights had flickered out in the storm. Outside the car, thunder suddenly broke out in a deafening crash, causing the Frenchman to jump, bumping the steering wheel and making the horn honk. He proceeded to attempt to rip the steering wheel out of the dashboard with several cries of, "Merde!"_

_SETTING CHANGE! WEEE!!_

_Seras Victoria was curled up on the couch, watching some freakish American cartoon about a fat man named Peter Griffin. There was a lot of swearing in it. The storm raging outside reminded her of its presence with a deafening crash of thunder, and her show was briefly interrupted by another storm alert. Seras peered out the window, suddenly feeling very guilty about Pip..._

_'Bout an Hour Later_

_Pip staggered through the door of the Hellsing mansion, dimly wondering why the door had been unlocked. He was soaking wet, and the reason he was in here instead of in the barracks was because he wanted to give Seras a case of gut-wrenching guilt. She'd stood him up! She'd made him do her chores and then stood him up! Speaking of Seras Victoria, there she was! Emerging from the shadows in that creepy way that reminded Pip of Alucard. But her eyes weren't blood red and crazed. They were glowing softly, almost pink, and blatantly apologetic. He opened his mouth to tell her off anyway, but before he could utter a sound, Seras's lips were on his in what he was pretty sure was a kiss. It was awkward and quick, and right afterwards, Seras phased through the floor. Pip stood in the hallway, gaping like some kind of fish, for about five minutes, during which time he started to shake uncontrollably. Finally, a weird sound like a strangled sigh came from him, and he dumbly ambled out the door, quietly shutting it behind him. It hadn't been at all what he'd expected for this night, but at least it was something...A very nice something. _

And that is the extra bit you're getting as an apology for this taking so long. Maybe. Sort of. Sorry that Alucard had to leave so early, but he had a very important meeting. Something about the police having finally found his fedora that I'd stolen about a week ago. I tell ya, the police stations in London are some kind of quaint. They smell like pencil shavings. Weird. Oh, and I don't own Peter Griffin, or Americam cartoons.

Stop dog-fighting. It's cruel, and all dog-fighters will forever burn in Hell. The end.

Coming up next!!

ALUCARD CLEANS THE TOILET!!

WHAT WONDERS AWAIT OUR FAVORITE SADISTIC VAMPIRE AS HE JOURNEYS INTO THE UNKNOWN? FIND OUT IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES!! WEEEEEEE


End file.
